Lazy Posting

Dear Samwise,

There are not enough words in any language to tell you how very much I love you.  Instead, I hope this letter and your name can do that for me if I am not able to do so myself.

Two days ago your grandmother made a cute and happy comment on facebook about your name.  She and I could never have imagined just how many ignorant little trolls would crawl out into the darkness of the internet to feed their need to call me names for that choice.  By the time you are old enough to read this I expect facebook will be pop-culture history and seem pointless and silly.  But tonight it has me thinking about your life, past and future.

By the time you can read this there is a good chance you know what kind of scary complications my bringing you into this world has involved.  No, this pregnancy has not been easy on us both but it has also been such a blessing.  Just weeks from your original due date and I am painfully aware there is still the chance that something could go wrong and I will not live to ever hold you in my arms or see your tiny fingers and toes.  So instead I want to tell you how much you mean to me.

Bringing you into this world is the most terrifying I have ever thought about doing.  Understand it will always, ALWAYS, be the very best thing I have ever done.  You are my light when all other lights have gone out. Knowing the reality of just how deadly the complications can be and how risky the treatment could be to you if I was selfish enough to take an easy escape.  Knowing you had less hopeful odds than a coin toss in surviving through to the "safety" of twenty-six weeks and yet, and then crying with joy when we could still find your heartbeat at thirty weeks.  You faced more darkness and danger than all of Mirkwood before you had lungs to even chance a first thin breath.  

My boy, my tiny hero, you are already ten times the man anyone in a story or behind a computer "shield" will ever be.  For you, little Samwise, the fires of Mount Doom will mean no fear and nothing but triumph; your long journey home is nearly done and the rest of the world who must cast off their burden of ignorance, anger, and hopelessness while you bask in a warm glow of love from the family that cannot wait to meet you. If the coin toss lands against us and I cannot say it in person, please let these nerdy words do it for me.

You really are the best of us, little Samwise. Your father and I made a choice of name for you out of so many "normal" or "unusual" options that we felt means something more. When the rest of the sworn fellowship gave up, betrayed their vow, or turned to gather glory and crowns in other battles, it was the "half-witted" gardener that dreamed of a happy life back in his shire hobbit-hole who instead carried his friend through to the end.

Your father and I had a choice, take advice of experts to end this pregnancy so you would not suffer, or carry on to an early delivery and maybe lose you along the way.  Little Sam, it was you who carried me when the days were longest and I was most afraid.  You are already more amazing a person than half the heroes in the world, and you have yet to see the sunrise for the first time.

If people are cruel to you about your name, do not get angry, feel sorry for them. I could have called you any of those “normal” names like John, Jeffery, or Ted… but that never seemed to be the cause of problems for Gacy, Dahmer, or Bundy when they became cruel men making horrible choices.  People were clueless about their nature and sometimes cruel to them as well, and it while it did make them bitter and bad it had nothing to do with their names.

Let the ignorance of others roll off your back like water on a duck.  Be the kind of man others want to call a friend.  Be a friend to others when they need one most and remind them there is so much good in the world.

Samwise, you are already a more amazing person than any one word could express or encompass.  You are my greatest achievement and I am so proud to be your mother.  You will do great things one day, I have no doubts about that fact.  I know there will be times you feel like giving up, or “hate what we did to you” by giving you this name.  But you are not just a boy with the name of a brave little hobbit who went off to war and came home to be the happiest and most celebrated of his village… you are my son and I love you.

You are also the last child I will ever have, the last baby born to this branch of the house “Martell”.  As another well known writer used that name for a royal family, he also gave them words that are perfect when this letter is not enough.

Unbowed.  Unbent.  Unbroken.

Remember who you are my little love.  I will not promise it will ever be easy, but you are more than up to the task.  As a person who grew up with a name most of her teachers could not pronounce and a nickname that everyone spelled wrong and related to a novel about a prom night gone bad, a name that is different just makes it easier to tell who those around you really are inside.  Even before you take your first gasp of air or cry for your first meal, you have done so much and been so strong.

I love you Samwise,

With all my heart.

Why I Immunize: Part II

The second in the long series here in My Messy Mom world on finding ways to protect our kids and supply reasonable choices for various health practices is about the medicine of healthy food.  While I briefly touched on this is about the medicine of healthy food.  While I briefly touched on this information in part one at the end under sanitary food handling, there is a wider range of things about food that need to be considered carefully.

Why I Immunize: Part II - Healthy Diet Choices

"Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food." - Hippocrates

I cannot in all cases say that food is the only solution, but healthy choices can and do provide the benefit of less frequent need for medical intervention in some cases.  As parents, this becomes even more vital.  Our children are dependent on their parents for providing healthy foods and building a foundation for them at infancy.  This starts with the healthy weight gain and balanced diet of a mother in pregnancy, something I am working hard on at the moment while battling through unexpected complications as we approach the final countdown to delivery.

A classic food pyramid graphic as found at Orchard Advisors,
a great source for business blogs I read often.

There are hundreds of ideas on what is the best dietary choice, all with their own debatable facts.  Personal choice about the ethics of vegetarian or vegan ideals plays as strong a part in choosing meals as the desire to find something palatable to the tongue for the moment.  I will neither preach absolute veganism nor the more carnivorous path, but suggest that just like sugars and other ingredients a path of moderation be observed.  Please consult your health professional before making any drastic changes in diet and understand that while weight does play a part in overall health, extremes of any kind come with realistic concerns.

I'm a big fan of history and learn all kinds of ridiculous trivia through nerdy interests and this lends well to fun facts about the essential foods for avoiding disease.  One of those fun facts is helpful when discussing how proper food choice can directly impact developing a serious problem.
 

Non-scurvy carrying pirate with parrot.
ⒸAkelis Studios Photography 2013

Vitamin C is well known as an essential part of establishing a healthy immune system.  While there is no viable proof that increased intake prevents infection rates, the consensus of data does support a notable shortening of cold duration and severity.  While many mammals are able to self produce balanced levels of the micro-nutrients however many higher primates are unable to perform this action internally leaving it all to balanced diet with these delicious foods, my favorite being a strawberry-kiwi smoothie.

While overdose is rare, a well known historical disease is directly linked to deficiency in Vitamin C.  I am talking here about that bane of pirates everywhere... Scurvy! An interesting issue, it was common in sailors and pirates long out at sea with less access to fresh fruits and vegetables.  The primary signs of scurvy included such visible extremes that the romanticized images of pirate life now always include the rough, discolored skin and missing or damaged teeth.  Amazingly, this deadly condition has an exceptionally simple solution that was not known at the time and provides us with a great reference for how balanced diets are vital.

No matter your take on humans as omnivores or herbivores, the need for our foods to be free from harmful chemicals and excessive toxins like those found in some commercial farming.  Vegetation as food is key to our survival on this planet to feed the ever growing population.  For this reason I suggest learning about farmer's markets near you and community gardens where your direct requests or involvement can and will influence the produce.  There is on-going debate about Genetically Modified Organisms (GMOs) and their safety even though approved by the USDA.  Though I am far from perfect as a parent, I cannot support these things as the evidence of long term damage is far too overwhelming to be ignored and is often being silenced for financial benefit.

As for what types of produce to request, that might depend on your needs but here is a pregnancy friendly graphic I adore because it highlights the reasons for some cravings and alternative foods you may want to add to your diet if not already there.  My doctor provided me with an even more in depth version which has plastered my fridge since my first pregnancy and I am always writing in even more and I learn about homeopathic food treatments.

For those with a pre-existing condition ,there is a need to understand where dietary elements are found and how to maintain or manage. Celiac disease, diabetic issues of type I and II, and even heart disease risks can be treated with some modifications to diet.  While not all will be cured, the need to understand the individual needs of the body and food sensitivity is essential not just in allergic reactions but blood sugar and risk control.

Some foods can be removed from all diets without ill effects and to the benefit of all.  The ever popular soda is a great example of something over indulged in and proven to hold many harmful factors.  The largest issue in this area is the frequency with which children and teens indulge, building their risk for several issues. Another in this strain is the energy drink market which has grown to cover not just an occasional boost after sports to now claim a supercharged secret to get tired bodies through the day.  The two main risks are the excessive amounts  of sugars and caffeine packed into these two items. 

Sugar can be a tricky subject in general because it can be found in basically any raw or prepared food consumed.  Natural sugars found in fruits often take a beating because of lingering misinformation from one of the many pop-diet crazes of the late 90s.  What makes natural sugars different from additives and artificial sugars is their molecular make-up and the method in which the human body responds to them.  The sugars found in natural products is known as fructose and in moderation is not only safe, but essential in establishing and balancing blood sugars for regulating energy.

Table sugars, known as sucrose, are also made from plants such as beets and sugar cane with a long historical lineage that lead to some wonderful and horrible moments.  Sugar trade has long been linked to wealth and ":the sweet life" but molasses trade was at the root of much of the slavery circle.  Because natural sugars are best grown in warm climates and slow producing, the United States places high tariffs on sugar import and the search for affordable alternative sweeteners is a long standing one.

Corn sugars are popular in the United States as an alternative because of the government subsidy provided for farmers of this crop.  Similar to sucrose, corn based sugars known as high-fructose corn syrup which are created through chemical reformulation of the natural sugars in corn, are slow to break down and promote an unhealthy balances in the body including raising the risk of obesity related diseases which can cause disruption of organ function and even organ failure or death in extreme cases.  Additionally, corn is one of the most heavily genetically modified crops being produced and event chemically altered sugars made from that maize contains all the risks highlighted before.  With obesity on the rise a direct link is being drawn between the frequency of HFCS and other chemical sweeteners.

Food can be a serious issue in American households, with an estimated one in five children facing hunger.  While I cannot fix that problem with a single blog, and boy I wish I could, some of the things I share here are ones that can address helping our kids grow even with poverty looming.  We are low income family and receive some EBT/SNAP benefits to make ends meet.  They total out to about $1.97 per day per person in most states; not something most people could live on for a month, but it is something to start with when paying rent and heating bills can take every penny.

With a diabetic, a pregnant woman, a somewhat picky toddler, and an oft-times vegetarian in the house... we have a number of tastes and needs to consider.  I am also a bit of a "foodie" and spoiled by the fact that my husband worked as a chef and in fish markets so he has really wonderful skills with seafood and grilling.  My household is omnivore driven though we avoid excessive meat consumption and participate in most of the ideas below. It does make some of the healthier food choices much more difficult on us because home farming is not always an option in the land of year-round snow.  For now I make regular trips to my area farmer's markets, fishing centers, and a great little farm near our former apartment complex.

Some of the simple rules I have found work best over the years are this:

1. Avoid foods with a commercial.  Fast foods, sugary cereals, many chain restaurants, and pretty much any sports or soft drink you see flashing their product on television has less than wholesome ingredients under that label. 
2. Start the fruits early.  Over and over I hear from friends that watch my "Tiny Monster" how shocked they are that he will not only eat but ask for fruits and veggies as a snack and pass up chocolates and cookies.  Honestly, I think this is half luck and half parenting practice on our part.  When he's being good, he gets fresh strawberries or orange slices as a reward. 
   
   
3. Mommy is not a short order cook!  We make at least two vegetables with every meaty main dish and he is expected to eat a little of it all off his plate.  I don't force him to clean his plate, nor do I allow him to get away with eating nothing and then crying for a snack later.  On the rare occasions when we go out he is expected to display good behavior and eat what we order for him or it comes home in a doggie bag and he will be seeing it later.
4. Make it at home.  One of the most well known culprits for poor eating habits is the frequent thought that fresh or wholesome food takes too long to make and fast food is the only answer.  For years I worked retail-photography chain(s) in malls with a horrible menu of all the big name baddies for food.  I took to stopping at the salad bar in the supermarket and making a large salad with all the fresh fixings to bring home, then splitting it into Tupperware to bring to work.
5. Say no to the GMO.  Unfortunately simply buying "organic" may not avoid GMOs as the seeds are already altered before they ever reach the soil and do not require pesticides, making them ideal for organics.  Visiting local farmers and asking direct questions about the foods they produce is your best solution if able.  Other options will require research and sometimes cost more so it will need to be a choice of cost to reward.
6. Find a happy medium.  We could never go 100% vegan in my house, I'm too fond of my Italian heritage to forgo the joy of eggplant-parmesan or the deliciousness of gelato.  But in interest of health and budgeting we do at least one meatless meal per week.  I happen to be a big fan of the Moosewood Cookbooks that my mother used regularly while I was young and now own a number of veggie-friendly recipe folders of my own or refer to some great websites for new ideas.
7. Everything in moderation!  This phrase can be applied to a vast many evils, but food is a very good place to apply it.  My preferred demo of this dietary rule is alcohol consumption; specifically the very important topic of knowing that excessive drinking can cause disease and death, but limited amounts can actually promote positive health benefits in some cases.  While kids are too young to drink and should not be given alcohol, they are prone to over indulging in other things and learn from their parents.  Teaching skills like portion control and replacing poor nutrition items with positive food choices to make healthy eating natural from an early age.

Pregnant Pants: Why I Hate Clothes While Expecting

I loath maternity clothes.

I'm one of those women who always has trouble bending over due to a top-heavy figure, so the idea of slowly inflating a balloon in my belly is torture.  Add to it that this pregnancy has sparked some big complications with my health and it becomes torture to find clothing I know will look flattering.  I'm round in all the womanly places and the stick figure that swallowed a basketball that most designers go with to model the rare designs deemed maternity just make it a joke when trying to get an idea if something will give me a positive outcome.

A few nights ago I was perusing the web for something to cover the fact that I have gone from looking like a "well rounded woman" to a "small beached whale" and stumbled across a horrifying new trend in maternity fashion, something I can only describe as Lolita pregnancy gowns.  Not only am I fairly sure the models are all underage (this worries me on a personal level) but the dresses are seriously fashioned after what I believe are anime school girl uniforms. 

Now I'm a big fan of anime.  I will even admit to having watched some films that could be called hentai back in the days when hubby and I did not have to worry about anything animated being mistaken as "kid friendly".  What I am not a fan of... creepy stories that run right up to the line of things I think are or should be illegal and then use that to attract viewers because there are those online predators who will pay to watch that kind of smut.

Found via George Takei on Facebook.

I'm not saying all anime is evil, I am still a fan of many anime and manga series like I said before, but it should not be used as the basis for maternity fashion.

Well then what am I saying? I am saying the basis for fashion for a round bellied woman should be something comfortable and round bellied!  We're growing an entire person inside our body, that is more than difficult enough when it goes smoothly.  Add in more of those psychological pressures to be frighteningly slender and you are aiming for a new level of health risk via mental disorder.  My exact phrasing was something less direct when I posted for input from friends, but I will share it unedited.

"Fashion companies should ban the idea of a "size zero maternity model". All women feel huge and uncomfortable at some point when they are pregnant. The idea that you still have to manage to be skinny and perfect while growing an entire living person inside your body is part of the screwed up body image issues already rampant in the female psyche!"

 So this is my question to the world of women who have carried a child, do you feel like your body is being fairly represented by the models showing off the clothing you are being sold?  What would you like to see if you are not happy?  What do you think designers should know about your body while pregnant so they can offer something better for clothing and for modeling?

Tiny Monster: Picking an Online Identity for Kids

My son's birth announcement photo.  Perhaps the one and only time he
posed and stayed exactly as I wanted while taking the picture.

We all do it.  In this digital age there is hardly a day that goes by when we parents are not checking our facebook or sharing those cute snapshots of the kid doing something.  I'm guilty of being *That Mom *.  You know what I mean, the one that has an obsessive number of albums documenting everything from the first ultrasounds to his most recent slapping of some crayons on paper that prove his the next Picasso.  I make sure to balance the "perfectly posed cute" with "look at this giant wad of gum he tied into his hair while I was trying to pee with the door closed".

This morning a friend and fellow mom shared an absolutely brilliant piece that appeared last February on another great parenting blog.  This article covered something many parents in the technical age are guilty of, depicting their parenting life as *so perfect*.  The writer described it as lies by omission... we use cool filters to make it look like everything is awesome and hide the spots where the newborn just vomited an entire feeding full all over that new onesie. 

I do it too as a portrait photographer working with kids and brides to make everything picture perfect!  That photo of my son up there, that hat is covering the fact that his cute little baby butt had constant diaper rash until we figured out the right combination of cream, diaper type, and detergent for his delicate little infant skin.  Years later, I am still posting him all over the interwebz like a cool kid but with one big detail still in omission... Unless you spend time around us in person, chances are good you'll never know his name. 

A baby monster.

I posted the first camera phone images to facebook from the less than relaxing new location on the maternity floor.  Those cute, wrinkly faced images came along with the one and only time I ever shared his birth name and have long since been changed to reflect the nick name we keep for him. I have friends, co-workers, even family we are not exceptionally close to and only rarely see that know him only as "The Tiny Monster".  The name came about while I was pregnant and not yet aware of the gender of the tiny person attempting to kick an opening through my belly button like one of those creatures that haunted my nightmares for months after watching a certain scifi film.  

It is cool over time his name has proven to stick even off the digital realms because, well, it fits him so well as a toddler.  His babysitter, our friends that spend any time around him, even my parents who have seen the true evil look in his eyes that comes out when he is plotting to draw on the walls with my expensive artist's pigment pens.  

But it helps in another way too.  

You see, we are all guilty of over sharing as parents in the digital age.  From the moment we have counted those ten little fingers and toes the proof of their existence pops up on the live feeds of our entire social circle.   This means that any random bloke on Twitter, Facebook, Google, Vine, YouTube, (and whatever else I missed listing but is part of the social media insanity) is going to know all about them.  I'm not saying your child will be facing the public awareness craze of pop-culture personalities who feel the need to post selfies or even allows documenting for a TV series(I'm looking at you Snooki and Kim Kardashian), but any child who's mother is tweeting from Labor&Delivery is going to face the reality that their whole life is out there for the world to see.

Don't want to believe me, here's everything you could learn quick glance at your previous posts:

1. Birth Date: This one is seriously easy, when did you post that first picture with the "He's finally here" tag?

2. Gender: This is normally obvious well before birthdate because unless you fall into the slowly dieing group of parents not finding this out with "the big ultrasound".  If you do decide to wait, that first picture and post of the new family member is a pretty safe bet for figuring it out.

3. Name: Unless you choose to do what we have and use only a nickname, this is also often found right on that first little birth announcement post.

4. Hospital/Location: Not a big deal until you start to consider what I am listing now is not only obvious from just that first week is all you will need to apply for a copy of the baby's birth certificate... the first step to identity theft.

5. Parents Name(s): I'm sure you can guess this is one of the most obvious details for that identity theft thing I mentioned above.  It is also a good detail if you are just going for the creepy stalker factor that comes in with recent problems of child abduction. 

6. Home Location/Address: You know that little "Hometown" tag you get from profiles, yeah, consider that when you tag the location where you live and make it obvious that you are the primary parent.  This info is now out in the world and means that a dishonest person has an easy in for finding any of the many expensive items in your home left unattended while you are in the hospital with a newborn, or getting a track on that cute little bundle of joy.

I could keep going, but honestly now I want to run back and check that my profiles are all safely set to not sharing anything with anybody because I know how dangerous it is to have that out on the web.  What should we adults really be doing?  

Well, following the guidelines listed here are a good way to keep things smart and safe.  Limiting the insane sharing of details online is a great starting point for everybody, your own safety is included in that part too.  Using a nickname for kids and never listing the name of schools, day cares, or other daily activities where people can find a way to contact your child is another great idea.

So there it is... I call my son "The Tiny Monster", I don't share the name of our home town, and I over share about his self feeding habits because if you can't humiliate your kids with those cute spaghetti-in-hair photos as a toddler, their teen years will be devoid of good reasons to complain about you talking to their first girlfriend/boyfriend.

I'm fairly sure he was supposed to be eating mashed potatoes and meatballs with peas.  Yes, I feed
him in the nude after he learned to lift and "paint" under the bib with his food... I'm not a fan of
laundry even on a good day, so this lowers the rate of complete mess clothing to wade through.